It’s been awhile since I addressed infertility. Even if I’m not talking about it, though, I feel it every day. I know we are adopting, and I could not be more sure that is the right thing for us right now. But the pain of not having a baby, whether biologically or from adoption, is always there.

My husband is working nights right now. Maybe that makes me extra emotional because I spend a lot of time alone, but anyone who knows me well, knows I’m a crier.

It’s funny how I’ll be fine for days and then something so small unleashes all of my emotions again.

I was at a wedding this weekend, and I was watching a beautiful, little boy all day. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I was even the creepy, infertile woman staring at him as he played on the playground outside of the reception. Luckily, his mother is one of my friends, so no one called the cops on me.

There was a big group of us dancing, and he was the life of the party. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a happier two year old breaking it down on the dance floor. I watched as his parents knelt down next to him, showing him different moves. He could instantly pick up the new moves and imitate his parents. It was in that moment that I looked at his mother and said, “You are so blessed.”

Instantly, it hit me. There it was again. PUNCH to the gut. I walked out of the reception hall as fast as I could in my four inch heels, but I couldn’t keep back my tears.

Jealousy. Love. Happiness. Guilt. Sadness. Anxiety. Fear. Hope. Anger. Embarrassment.

There are no word to fully explain the emotion I felt. I was so truly happy for my friend. They are amazing parents and are raising a beautiful son. Yet I felt every other emotion times a thousand.

So here I am, in a puddle of my emotions, trying to get through the night to celebrate my friend’s beautiful (and HOT!) wedding day. I did not and never do want to make it about me. That is where the embarrassment comes from. No one wants to break down crying in public. That’s what bedrooms are for, but I could not control it.

Yet in my own sad, selfish mourning for the baby I do not have yet, I found something so beautiful. People took time out of their night to listen to me, to hold my hand, to cry with me, to give me a shoulder to cry on. I never, NEVER, would have expected to be comforted by people who have not been through this same struggle. Yet there they were.

I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover, but I felt one more emotion. I was grateful. Grateful that I have a husband who has never given up on me. Grateful for the friends I have made through this struggle. Grateful for the ability to spread awareness about infertility. Grateful for being one day closer to bringing home our babe. Grateful for people who showed me it’s okay to feel. Grateful.

In a world surrounded in ugly, a world where a singer is shot while meeting her fans, a world where people are murdered in a night club, a world where a child gets cancer TWICE, a world where a person will spend most of their life without both of their parents, a world where a couple will never have a biological child, we need a reminder that there is good. There are so many things to be grateful for. If you can’t find something to be grateful for, go do something for someone else. You’ll be amazed at the results.

I am asking you, begging you, to put aside the drama, let go of the anger and just show love and respect for others. Find things to be grateful for and give other people something to smile about. It is just as easy to be kind than it is to be mean. So as I challenge myself, I challenge you, be a better person today than you were yesterday.