Tag: Adoption

Dear Dierks Bentley

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Dear Dierks Bentley,

Three years ago, my husband and I were waiting to adopt. We had been chosen by an expectant mother and six days before this photo, we got a phone call that a baby had been born.

That mother decided to parent, and while I found peace that we were not meant to parent that child, I struggled with the fact that our years of infertility and inability to grow our family continued.

We went right back to waiting, but driving to work on Monday was painful. I thought we should be driving to see a baby, not the same old drive to work.

I saw that you were playing in Columbia, Missouri that Friday. That was a couple hour drive, but I decided my husband and I needed something to distract ourselves. So I bought the tickets. Second row. I splurged. I needed to let the music drown my pain that night.

Then you came out and put on an amazing show. That could have been enough. But then as you walked back to the stage, you stopped for a selfie. I nervously fumbled around trying to take a picture with my new phone, and you started walking away. I kind of squealed as I realized I hadn’t even taken a photo, and you turned around, came back, and took another photo. I couldn’t believe you took the time to come back.

My husband and I walked out of that concert with the same thought. “THIS is exactly where we were supposed to be tonight.” We felt peace. It was as much of a sign as we could find to say, “Hold on, your time is coming.”

And these lyrics ran through my head over and over:

“I’m a riser.

I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hider

Pushing comes a-shovin’

Hey I’m a fighter

When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter

A get out aliver, out of the fire

Survivor”

Then one week later, we got another phone call. We had been chosen by another expectant mother. A baby boy. And three weeks later, we welcomed that baby boy into our family.

You’ll never remember this moment, but I’ll never forget it. The moment I let go of the control I was trying to desperately hold onto in the wait to become a family. The moment my husband and I looked into each other’s eyes and knew we were right where we needed to be.

Thank you for taking time for this moment. Thank you for putting your whole self into that show. You made a bigger impression than you probably ever knew.

Some of your biggest fans,

Marcus and Betsy

Finalization Day: Forever Yours

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Dear No One,

Two years ago we finalized our son’s adoption.

We had to do six post placement visits with a social worker after bringing him home, so he was seven months before his adoption was finalized. All the paperwork had been completed and signed, and we sat in front of a judge and promised to love and support our son.

The judge’s words, “yours forever” are burnt into my memory. In that moment, I felt myself release a breath of tension I had been holding in from the day we decided to adopt. No more paperwork. No more trying to convince a total stranger that we were fit to raise our son. He would have a birth certificate with our last name. We could get him a social security number. He was legally ours.

Ours. And in that same moment, I saw his first mom’s face. I saw a part of my son’s life close. In a moment I had longed for, I recognized the loss for my son and his birth family.

We are in an open adoption, and I tell his first mom about pretty much everything. His milestones, his sense of humor, his behaviors (good and bad). I want her to know him and his personality. Yet for the first time, I didn’t send her pictures. I didn’t say anything about his finalization because I knew that us officially “gaining” another family member was also a loss for her.

I’ve heard this day called “gotcha day.” From what I have read from some adoptees, though, is that name does not do it justice. It does not allow an adoptee to feel the range of emotions that comes from this moment. There is joy and pain and loss.

Last night, Daxon woke up in the middle of the night and begged for snuggles. We pulled him into our bed for the first time since he was a baby. I held him, rubbed his head, and listened to his breath slow next to me. A huge part of my heart laid there next to me, and I felt so grateful that he is my son.

His first mom chose me to care for our son. She chose me to snuggle him at night. She chose me to read to him, feed him, potty train him, raise him in every way. She trusted me to love him forever.

So today, we are not celebrating big. We are loving big. We are showing our son that no matter what he feels towards this day or his adoption, we will always be there for him. Through the tough conversations and range of emotions, we will love him forever. We are his family. Forever.

So today is our forever family day. Full of love. And joy. And honest conversations. And pain. And sadness.

Daxon, you are a huge part of my heart living outside of my body, and I will love you forever. No matter what. You are my son, and I am your mom. There is no greater joy in my life than to watch you grow up. I love you Bugs. Today and always.

All my love,

Betsy