Category: Motherhood

It’s Really That Hard, Mama

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Dear No One,

Before kids, I worked in a school providing one-on-one therapy to young children with autism. Every day was different. Every day brought new challenges. And it was so fulfilling and rewarding to connect with a child or see them meet goals that once seemed out of reach

Fast forward to now…I am working my dream job as a stay-at-home mom to two boys.

I thought my degree in child development and years working with young children was enough. I thought I’d sail through this motherhood thing.

Yet I have found that these boys test my patience and ability to care and teach young children more than any other child I have ever worked with.

Are they more difficult than other children? No.

But being their mom requires me to be mentally and emotionally available 24/7. Even once they fall asleep at night, there is no guarantee that one or both won’t need me throughout the night. Somehow I think they’ve actually worked out a schedule of who will get up each night.

Then we wake up and spend all day together too. There are good days, even great days. But there are also bad days where all I can do is pray to make it until my husband walks through the door at night.

I am an introvert who needs and desires time to myself to recharge. Yet in the worst moments with my kids…you know them, toddler tantrums and teething babes…in those moments where I need some space to recharge, they need me more. That is when they cling to me. Even when my toddler is mad at me, he wants to sit on my lap and talk to me/scream in my ear.

So even though I have always worked with children and have a degree claiming I’m some kind of professional, there is no harder job than being a mom. There is nothing more mentally, emotionally, and physically draining than putting on my “mom hat” every day (well honestly I never take it off. It’s 24/7 remember?)

There is also nothing more rewarding than watching my boys learn new skills and develop relationships with each other, but it doesn’t make it easy.

So I am here to say that it is okay to love your kids but still need space. It is okay to lose your patience. Those moments can teach your children humility and forgiveness. If you show them love and forgiveness in their worst moments, they will do the same to you.

I’m only two years in, but this is by far the hardest job I’ve had the honor of holding. Give yourself some grace. No one is perfect, especially when you’re working 24/7 shifts.

All my love,

Betsy

You’re Going to Miss This

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Dear Mamas,

Do you constantly hear “you’ll miss this?”

I hear it all the time. And I know I’ll miss this time. I know I’ll miss having my babies home with me every day. I know I’ll miss their snuggles and kisses and giggles.

But let me be honest. I constantly feel stuck between “soak up this moment” and “praying just to make it through the day (or night).”

I’ve got a toddler who is so fun to play and interact with, and it is so much fun to have conversations with him. I sometimes feel like I’ve got this mom thing down when he sweetly says, “thank you Mommy” or “you’re welcome Mommy.” But he’s also an independent toddler finding his own opinion (on everything!!), and we have days where he spends most of his time crying or shouting about not getting his way.

I have a happy, smiley seven month old who loves nothing more than his mama to sit and talk to him. I adore his giggles. But he can also instantly turn on the tears the moment I walk away. So my day is often spent sitting on the floor next to him, while I look around at everything not getting done.

Mamas. These days are hard. They are sweet. They are everything. They fill your heart while also making you wonder if you’ve actually lost your mind. You love so deeply yet don’t want to be touched anymore. You bounce back and forth between feeling adequate as a mother and questioning everything you do.

So yea, I already know I am going to miss these days. I see it when I look back at baby photos of my toddler and wonder where that time went.

But I also look forward to the days ahead. Not scheduling days around naps or feedings. Walking out of the house without a huge bag of diapers and extra clothes and bottles and an entire pantry full of snacks.

So when I hear “you’ll miss this,” I tend to feel guilty for not cherishing every moment. But the moments aren’t just beautiful and full of love. They are full of tantrums and spit up too.

I promise you that every mama is soaking up the moments when she can, even if she’s struggling to make it through the day. I promise that if you’re feeling guilty for wishing time away, you aren’t the only one. Look for some good in every day, but give yourself some grace when the only good you can find is that you made it to bedtime.

These days are tough, but so are you.

All my love,

Betsy

Finalization Day: Forever Yours

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Dear No One,

Two years ago we finalized our son’s adoption.

We had to do six post placement visits with a social worker after bringing him home, so he was seven months before his adoption was finalized. All the paperwork had been completed and signed, and we sat in front of a judge and promised to love and support our son.

The judge’s words, “yours forever” are burnt into my memory. In that moment, I felt myself release a breath of tension I had been holding in from the day we decided to adopt. No more paperwork. No more trying to convince a total stranger that we were fit to raise our son. He would have a birth certificate with our last name. We could get him a social security number. He was legally ours.

Ours. And in that same moment, I saw his first mom’s face. I saw a part of my son’s life close. In a moment I had longed for, I recognized the loss for my son and his birth family.

We are in an open adoption, and I tell his first mom about pretty much everything. His milestones, his sense of humor, his behaviors (good and bad). I want her to know him and his personality. Yet for the first time, I didn’t send her pictures. I didn’t say anything about his finalization because I knew that us officially “gaining” another family member was also a loss for her.

I’ve heard this day called “gotcha day.” From what I have read from some adoptees, though, is that name does not do it justice. It does not allow an adoptee to feel the range of emotions that comes from this moment. There is joy and pain and loss.

Last night, Daxon woke up in the middle of the night and begged for snuggles. We pulled him into our bed for the first time since he was a baby. I held him, rubbed his head, and listened to his breath slow next to me. A huge part of my heart laid there next to me, and I felt so grateful that he is my son.

His first mom chose me to care for our son. She chose me to snuggle him at night. She chose me to read to him, feed him, potty train him, raise him in every way. She trusted me to love him forever.

So today, we are not celebrating big. We are loving big. We are showing our son that no matter what he feels towards this day or his adoption, we will always be there for him. Through the tough conversations and range of emotions, we will love him forever. We are his family. Forever.

So today is our forever family day. Full of love. And joy. And honest conversations. And pain. And sadness.

Daxon, you are a huge part of my heart living outside of my body, and I will love you forever. No matter what. You are my son, and I am your mom. There is no greater joy in my life than to watch you grow up. I love you Bugs. Today and always.

All my love,

Betsy

This Is Me

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Dear No One,

This is me, and I have anxiety.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see a woman crying in bed, not able to breathe, shutting down with exhaustion?

I have always led with my emotions. And those emotions can be big and bold.

It wasn’t until I was dating my now husband, that I even figured out that some of those emotions are led by anxiety.

In one of my many moments of feeling anxious, Marcus said, “I think you’re having a panic attack.”

Which I responded with, “No. My chest is just tight.”

Cue the eye roll. “Betsy. That’s anxiety.”

And then a rewind of some standout moments and memories flashed through my mind, and I realized in that moment this wasn’t a new thing.

Yet, after realizing that, I made no changes and continued to wonder why I was having these anxiety attacks and constantly sick and tired.

No, anxiety doesn’t just affect your mind. It can affect anything and everything.

After getting married, I dealt with anxiety about moving to a new state and city where I knew no one. Fun fact: I’m not really a social butterfly. New situations and people are often a source of anxiety for me.

So I’m alone. In a new state. My husband was in residency and working a lot (A LOT)!!!! Then we decided to grow our family. First comes marriage, then comes infertility. Then the journey of adoption and raising our first son. Then moving back to Iowa (after finally making some amazing friends). Then starting IVF. Then pregnancy. Then postpartum anxiety (my anxiety multiplied by a thousand).

That one paragraph of one thing piled on top of another was over six years. Six years of not taking care of myself and my mental health.

This isn’t easy to write or admit because there is still such a huge stigma around mental health. But after multiple, major panic attacks after the birth of our second son, my husband (an obgyn) nudged me ever so gently to start medication.

I feel like I am finally coming out of a fog. An at least six year fog. My entire marriage. My entire time as a mother.

I can see. I can see what my anxiety looks like, what triggers it, and some ways to manage it. And I don’t say heal or conquer my anxiety because it is me.

This is me.

It is a huge part of who I am. My big emotions. My empathy. My emotional intelligence. Those are big, beautiful parts of myself that I’m proud of, but I think they are directly linked to my anxiety.

I share this today because:

1) May is Mental Health Awareness Month

2) Sharing my story may make it easier for another person to get the help they need.

3) And honestly, what don’t I share with you?!?

Mental health disorders are so common. Yet we keep it hidden. I don’t want people to see or judge my unshowered self struggling to find joy in motherhood that I begged for publicly for years.

But if we don’t step forward and share our stories, how will we make any type of advancement?

So, friends, (cue The Greatest Showman) THIS IS ME. I have anxiety. It is not all of me. It is not breaking me. It is just a part of me. And I am only at the beginning of learning to manage it.

And if you have or even think you have a mental illness, please get help. Work to manage it. Whatever that looks like for you.

It is part of you, but it does not have to control you. And as always, you are not alone.

All my love,

Betsy

Seasons of Motherhood

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Dear Mamas,

While telling my husband about the joys and difficulties of each day of staying home, my new motto has become, “this is just a season of our life.”

My season right now is filled with days at home. Running with a toddler to the potty. Feeding my four month old a bottle with my chin so I can help my toddler undress and get up on the potty (because toddlers always have to go right when you start feeding the baby. Mine isn’t the only one, right?!) Snuggles. Take out food. Laundry. Amazon Prime. Carrying two kids at once. Peanut butter sandwiches. Yoga pants and messy buns. Crying  (baby, toddler, and mama). ABCs. Cooking. Multiple wakings a night. Coffee. Movies. Playing the same game over and over. Washing bottles. Doctor appointments. Giggles.

Some of the best and hardest days of my life.

Some days I feel so accomplished. The toddler pooped in the potty! The baby slept all night! The laundry is done AND folded. Dinner is made. Bills are paid. Groceries are bought. I showered (no…it doesn’t happen every day). Worked out. Kids ate their veggies. Toddler named all the right colors in his book.

Some days I can barely pull myself out of bed after a rough night with baby. We watch multiple movies. We eat pizza and cookies. The only thing close to my makeup being done is the smeared eyeliner from two days before (one of those accomplished days). I am grumpy and snap at the toddler when he cries for my attention.

My biggest realization lately: I can’t do it all. Moms!! You can’t do it all. Or even if you can, you shouldn’t.

You are human. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to have a bad day. You do not have to be perfect for your children.

If you feel like you aren’t living up to your own expectations for yourself as a mother, that just means you are setting them so high because you love your children. You LOVE them. Even on the bad days (where let’s be honest) maybe your kids are driving you crazy, you still love them. Unconditionally.

As mothers, we will go through many seasons. From being their only caretaker to sending them off to college, we are all in a tough season.

Because motherhood is hard. It demands your constant attention. Even when the kids are sleeping. Or staying over at a friend’s house for the first time. Or going on a first date. They never leave you. You will always be responsible for them and their hearts. And that is a huge responsibility that can sometimes feel too heavy a burden to carry. But you do it anyway because you love them. And as my mother has informed me, it never goes away.

Our children need us. They always will. They will just need us in different ways.

Honestly, there are days where I can’t wait for the next season, but I also know there will come a day when I am longing for my days at home with my boys. The days where I am the one who offers them the most comfort. The days of carrying both boys because I know that soon enough, they won’t want me to even hold their hands.

In every day, even the bad days, look for something good. Look for something to hold on to in your memory. Something to be thankful for.

Today, in all honesty, wasn’t a great day. My husband is working a 24 hour shift, I’m alone with the boys, and I wasn’t my best. But I made Daxon smile his real, beautiful, authentic smile multiple times today. And I snuggled Pace for an extra nap this evening. I wasn’t my best, but I gave them what I had. Instead of beating myself up for what I didn’t give them, tonight I’ll remember the little moments we did have together. I’ll remember Daxon cheering Pace up by dancing and singing over top of him while I was rushing to make a bottle. Carrying them both down the stairs and Daxon grabbing Pacyn’s hand.

Days are long, but the seasons are short. Take them all in with the good and the bad. Give yourself a break because some days are just hard. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be there for them. Love them.

You may not see it, but you are doing a great job. Whatever you did today, it is enough. You are enough for your children. No matter the season, you are an amazing mother.

All my love,

Betsy