To the Woman I Forgot Last Year

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Dear No One,

In the week of mothers (yes, I said week. Every commercial. Every sign. Every post on Facebook. All about moms), I have an ache in my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I am more grateful than ever to be celebrating this year with a child in my arms.

But my mind is stuck on Daxon’s birth mom. Last year I wrote a post about all the women that may be struggling on Mother’s Day. Women who lost a mom, women who lost a child, women who are struggling with infertility. Yet even in the whirlwind of adoption paperwork, it didn’t occur to me to think about birth moms. Someone near and dear to my heart who has personally experienced adoption (and taught me A LOT about the triad of adoption) kindly reminded me of these women.

Birth MOMS. Yes. They do not physically have the child in their care. What I have learned in the last year, though, is they never stop thinking and praying for the child they carried for nine months. And for those first nine months (and for some birth moms, months or years after birth), she is that child’s mother. She make decisions for nine months to help care for her child. She makes the incredibly hard decision to place the child for adoption, which is followed by paperwork, phone calls, reading through dozens of families profiles, and endless emotions. Then this woman gives birth. Now I have never been pregnant or given birth, but I know from every mother I’ve ever talked to that neither is easy. The only thing that gets them through is the thought of holding their child in the end. So what gets a birth mom through that? A love for her child. Her child. Then she hands that child over to me, and he is mine. Take a moment to understand the depth of that.

I am obviously not a birth mom, so I am only writing from what I have seen, read, and experienced. But part of being an advocate of adoption is spreading awareness of both sides.

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Last year on Mother’s Day, Daxon’s birth mom was pregnant. This year, I will be holding him in my arms. If you have ever met a birth mom, you have met one of THE strongest women you will ever meet.

To the woman I forgot last year, I will NEVER forget you again.

All my love,

Betsy

Why “Dear No One”

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Dear No One,

It has been a year since I started my blog, and I never really explained why I named it “Dear No One.” I am sure you are all DYING to know, so here it is.

When I was going through our deepest, darkest times of infertility, I felt so alone. There were so many people out there that would have listened and could have helped. BUT I had in my mind that no one tells people they are pregnant until they are at least 8 weeks “in case something happens.” Therefore, I felt like infertility was something that was supposed to be kept secret. We didn’t even tell our families until we had some answers from the doctors and knew there was definitely a problem.

The best thing that ever happened for me was when I called someone to get advice on adoption, and we ended up talking for three hours about infertility instead. Having someone else that validated all of my feelings felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wish I had reached out to someone who had gone through the same thing so much earlier.

Oh yeah. Why “Dear No One?” Am I saying that anyone reading this is a no one? Of course not! When I started this blog, it was more of an outlet for me. I honestly did not care if one person read it. I just felt a desire to write. Therefore, I was okay if I was writing to “No One.” I am simply writing from my heart.

Now that I do have a few people that read this, my one goal is to never let another woman go through infertility alone. So for the woman out there who thinks you are alone and no one will understand, I am here. I understand. I promise you that reaching out to me or anyone else who has gone through infertility will be the best thing you could do for yourself.

Will I rename it someday? Yes! I am positive that someday I will rename it to be more fitting for our family. But for now, I am using this writing as therapy for myself and if no one reads this, that’s okay with me. Although, I know at least my mom is reading this. 😉

I would love any and all suggestions from your creative minds for my next blog name!

All my love,

Betsy

NIAW: My Year After Starting A Blog

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Dear No One,

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and this time last year was the first time I opened up about our infertility issues. My husband and I kept it to ourselves for over a year, and it wasn’t until we announced that we were in the process of adopting that we decided to share. A LOT has happened since I started this blog, and while I never considered myself a writer (and still don’t), I am so glad I decided to share our story. In the last year, I have learned so much and made and deepened relationships with so many amazing women going through some form of infertility.

What have I learned? There are so many forms of infertility. Women who have chronic illnesses. Miscarriages. IVF. Low or no sperm count. Even some couples whose doctors couldn’t find any medical reason for why they can’t get pregnant. Some women have never even gotten to experience the joy that comes from a positive pregnancy test. Others experience that joy and have it instantly ripped away from them when their biggest dream ends in a miscarriage. Other women struggled with infertility years ago, and it still haunts them.

The most important thing I learned from talking to so many different women about their experiences? Every one of us felt and still feel the EXACT same emotions. No matter how infertility touched our lives, I instantly felt a connection with each and every woman.

What are some of the emotions we feel? Sadness, despair, depression. Having a child is something most women dream about for most of their lives. Not having a child, is often our worst nightmare. Anger. “Why me?” often hits as you watch every. single. person you know announce their pregnancy on Facebook (or so it seems). Jealousy comes right along with that anger and instantly a wave of guilt for feeling angry and jealous of your friends’ happiness. Alone. Even though 1 in 8 couples experience infertility, you still feel alone. You don’t want to bring everyone down by constantly talking about it, but it is almost all you can think about. Also, just like most things in life, no one really understands what you are going through unless they’ve experienced it themselves. I had a friend that supported me through our worst times of infertility, but it wasn’t until she experienced it herself that she truly understood the depths of what I was going through.

Does it go away? Nope. Infertility becomes a part of you. It changes you. Your life will NEVER be the same. And that is okay.

Why? Because now as I hold my sleeping baby that we adopted 5 months ago and type this, I truly believe there is no other baby that is meant to be in my life right now. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am positive that I am a better mom because of the struggle. I have made countless friendships. I have cried with women. Often times, I am one of the first people these women tell when they find out they are pregnant. I am helping women through the biggest ups and downs of their lives. Crying with them through the worst. Celebrating at their highest moments.

Speaking out about our infertility and starting this blog has been life-changing for me. My hope is that any woman that reads this and is experiencing any type of infertility will reach out to me. Why? You don’t have to go through this alone and you shouldn’t go through this alone.  The worst thing I did in the beginning was try to deal with it by myself. Infertility is a sisterhood. A sisterhood you would never choose, but it is one that will welcome you with open arms and never let you go. Infertility may never go away but either will the bond that you instantly form within the sisterhood.

I never want another woman to go through infertility alone, so to all my sisters, I am ALWAYS here to talk. You are not alone. Most of all, keep fighting. I promise that when you FINALLY meet your babe, it will be

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All my love,

Betsy

Autism: A Different View

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Dear No One,

I love staying home with Daxon. I mean I really, REALLY love it. There is nothing else I would rather do.

Before we had Daxon, though, I worked in a school with children with autism, and I miss my kiddos from school every day. I miss the challenge. I miss never knowing how my day was going to go. I miss watching them learn.

Most of all, though, I miss their snuggles and giggles. Yes. Snuggles. I know. You are probably thinking, “I thought they don’t like to be touched.” I have heard that from so many people. That my job couldn’t have been as fun or rewarding as working with typically developing children because they don’t give you anything in return. There is nothing further from the truth though.

My work with children with autism was the most rewarding job I have ever had. Yes, sometimes I got ignored, hit, kicked, bit. Other times, though, I got to watch a child go from not wanting anyone near them to crawling onto my lap and asking for tickles over and over AND over. How is that not rewarding?!?

Why am I writing about this? Today is World Autism Day. I just couldn’t get my mind off of my students today, so I wanted to give a little love to some of the kids who will have a piece of my heart forever.

I, by no means, know everything about autism. No one does. “If you’ve met one individual with autism, you’ve met one individual with autism.” – Stephen Shore

Every child I worked with was completely different. One thing I found with them all, though, was they craved our love and attention. It is not that they do not want to be a part of your world or want your love, they just need more assistance in learning how to enter into situations and communicate their needs and wants.

There is no better feeling than earning their trust and watching them open their world to let you in. I’m not going to sit and list out bullet points on what you need to know. Just know that they are beautiful souls that just see our world in a different light. If you ever get the chance, stop and take a look from their point of view. You will learn a lot.

 

All my love,

Betsy

Today I am…

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Dear No One,

It has been awhile since I’ve written anything. I told Marcus the other day that I love writing blog posts, but I don’t necessarily have anything to write these days. For those who have read a lot of my blog posts, you know I have written a lot of serious posts. I told Marcus, “I think I don’t have anything serious to write. Everything is so good. I’m just so happy.”

And my supportive husband, (who was actually listening to me talk!) 😉 said, “then write that.”

It has been over a year since we started the process of adoption and over three years since we started trying to have a child. Today, we have a 4 month old. I have NEVER been this happy. Ever.

So that is all I have to write today. I am happy. We have our baby. Marcus is almost done with residency. Under 100 days (not that I’m counting)! I spend every day at home taking care of my baby. My baby. Mine. Today I am happy.

Annndddd because I can’t leave without sending a little sappy love and support to my readers…for those of you trying to have children, no matter through adoption or biologically, NEVER give up. The pain you feel is because you know in your heart that being a mom is exactly what you’re meant to do with your life. I can tell you that when that baby does come, it will be SO worth every painful moment you’ve endured along the way. There is no better feeling than taking care of your baby.

Even when you have to sit in a car with your arm backwards to pacify your baby (and be a headrest for your dog).

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All my love,

Betsy

A Mother’s Bond

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Dear No One,

I have never experienced anything quite like the bond I have with Daxon. I have a lot of kids that I am close to (nephews, nieces, students, etc.), but I never knew I could feel even more love for my child.

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I have spent hours studying him. Learning every birthmark. The color of his eyes. His (ADORABLE!) dimple. His fingernails. His belly button. Every roll. To me, he is perfect.

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With the adoption, I was worried about bonding with the baby. I have a degree in child development, and I did a lot of extra studying on bonding and adoption. I decided that it was best for only Marcus and me to take care of his primary care needs. For the last 9 weeks, we are the only ones who fed, clothed, and bathed him. We did all of his diaper changes, etc. Also, I never experienced pregnancy, so I wanted to wear him. This is the closest to feeling pregnant that I will get with him, and I love feeling him snuggled up against me.

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Honestly, though, bonding has been incredibly easy for me. I feel a love for him that I have never felt before. Anyone who has seen Dax around me always says, “He knows who his mommy is.” There is no better feeling. That his face lights up when he sees me. That I can make him smile more than anyone else. That he calms down as soon as I hold him. Nothing. Better.

 

Now for those of you who can’t handle a woman breastfeeding in public, you should stop reading. For the rest of you, I also bonded with him by using skin to skin contact and breastfeeding. No, I don’t produce milk. Producing milk when you haven’t been through a pregnancy is extremely hard. There are ways to do it by changing your hormones, but it often doesn’t produce much and takes a lot of time and effort. With all that adoption entails, I decided not to induce lactation. Instead I found two other ways to “breastfeed” to help make a secure attachment with him. First, I use my breasts to simply pacify him. It is no different than a pacifier. When he was falling asleep at night, I would offer it to him. The first time he ever latched on, I cried. I never thought I’d get to experience breastfeeding with him but nothing has ever felt so natural.

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Second, I wanted to find a way to actually experience feeding him. Through my research I found the Medela SNS (supplemental nursing system), and I have been able to actually feed him. I wear the milk in a bottle around my neck and tape a small tube onto my breast. When he latches on, the tube goes into the corner of his mouth and releases the food while he sucks. It sounds easy. It is not easy at first. It takes time to set up (which isn’t always possible with a screaming, hungry baby). The baby has to latch, and you have to make sure the tube is far enough in (but not too far in to gag him!). You have to let some milk out to get him interested in latching, but the longer it takes for him to get a good latch, the more milk that ends up all over him and you. Over time, though, I got better at positioning and getting him to latch correctly. Not much in adoption is easy, but it is all so worth it, including breastfeeding. These moments have been so precious to me. So precious that I recently asked our photographer to take photos of it. I initially asked her to photoshop the tape out, and I wore a scarf to cover the bottle around my neck. Once I saw the photos with the tape, though, I knew I had to share them.

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Raw. Beautiful. Real. Strong.

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This is adoption. This is bonding. This is motherhood.

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It is not easy. It is not for the faint-hearted. It takes work. It takes passion. It takes tears. It takes heartache. It takes love.

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Not just adoption. Motherhood. If you are a mother, you know that you would do anything for your children. It’s not always easy. It’s not always pretty, but it is so worth it.

To the mom trying to conceive (yes I believe you are already a mom), I hear you. I see your tears that you cry alone at night. You are not alone. You should be proud of the sacrifices you’ve already made for your child. When that child does come, no matter how they come to you, you will look back and think, “It was all worth it.”

To the moms who are exhausted and never get a break, I see you. You are doing an amazing job. Don’t listen to any other mother or person trying to tell you how to parent unless they are simply building you up and praising you for all the hard work you do. Every day. Every night.

To the moms whose children have left home, I see you. You still don’t sleep soundly, and you anxiously wait to hear from your children every day. The children you raised to be hardworking, independent adults. Yet they will always be your baby.

I’m only weeks into this motherhood gig, but I know I’d do anything for my son. This is a bond that can never be broken. A mother’s bond with her child. Raw. Beautiful. Real. Strong.

All my love,

Betsy

“Yes!” Girl

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Dear No One,

I would be lying if I said that waiting is easy. I have broken down at least a handful of times since we went active. When I say broken down, I mean out loud, sobbing, shaking, the whole works. I have no control over these moments. They just hit me, and I have to let it out before I can move on. It doesn’t matter where I am. In the car. In bed. At work. It hits me like a wave.

I knew about a week into our wait that I needed to find a way to make this experience a happy, positive one. From every mom I have ever talked to, I know they give up a lot once they become mothers, and they have no time to be selfish. I decided, “I don’t have a baby. I can be selfish. I can do whatever I want.” (within reason of course)

I decided that any decision that I was questioning whether I should do it or not, I would just say “yes.” When you have anxiety, saying “yes” to everything is not easy. I love routine. I love planning ahead. I struggle trying new things. I would often rather stay at home on the couch and watch TV because it’s comfortable. But I did it! I said “yes” to life, and I have had so much fun.

What have I done you ask?

  • Bought tickets to Florida Georgia Line last minute. It was pouring rain. It was muddy. It was SO. MUCH. FUN!

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  • Tried out Taste of St. Louis and went to the free Jerrod Niemann concert.
  • Went on dates in the middle of the week.
  • Got asked to play slow pitch softball. I said yes! I have NEVER played softball in my entire life. I never would have said yes in the past. I did, and I loved it. I made a fool of myself, and I didn’t care. The first time I got a hit and got on first base, I looked back at Marcus and squealed like a little girl.

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  • Drink, blare music, dance on the coffee table…on a Wednesday evening.
  • Started a sand volleyball league. I have always loved playing it, and I’m so excited to finally set up my own team.
  • Decided on a Tuesday to throw a party on Friday (that’s not enough time for a planner). Tons of food, apple pie jello shots, fire pit, friends. What more could you ask for?
  • Laid on the couch ALL day. I really mean all day. We got up to go to the bathroom and get food. Then we went to bed.

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  • Drove an hour and a half to visit Elephant Rocks. It has been on my list for 3 years. We finally did it.
  • Got asked to go to a baseball game on a Monday night. Although it was an awful game, it was so much fun to get out of the house on a beautiful, fall evening.

Maybe this doesn’t seem very extreme for an outgoing, adventurous person, but it has been a really important month for me. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve tried new things. I’ve made new friends. I have had so much fun. I will never forget some of these moments, and I never would have had them if we already had Baby Hemi.

Don’t get me wrong, I would give it all up to have our baby. But we don’t. We don’t have a baby. At least once a day, I have a moment of sadness. I shed tears all the time. If I let that consume me, though, I wouldn’t make it through the day. Instead, I am choosing to live. I am saying “YES!”

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Week One

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Dear No One,

We have been active for one week. One week. One normal week.

Not so difficult right?

For the most part, no. We have just been living our lives one day at a time.

On the other hand, it is way more difficult than I ever imagined. I have told Marcus that, in my mind, every day that passes equals a full month longer that we will have to wait. Although I know that is not how it works, I am convinced at this point that it is going to take at least 7 months before we get a match.

It doesn’t help that I got a phone call the other day from an unknown number in Florida, and I actually felt my heart stop. Unfortunately it was just a heating and air conditioning company calling. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about our babe. We decided instead of sulking, we would celebrate making it certain lengths of time and enjoy our time as a family of two.

Tonight we decided to celebrate making it through our first week. I know.  I know. That doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment, but it is to us. We went to our favorite restaurant, went miniature golfing, and spent time playing music and singing together. For those of you who care, Marcus won this round. BUT we are tied 1-1 after tonight. Tie breaker results to come…

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So there isn’t really much to report, but we made it one week. That is something. And next week? We’ll probably do the same thing. Like I said, not a huge accomplishment, but we are celebrating that we are one week closer to bringing home our babe. And to us, that is everything.

All my love,

Betsy

 

We are ACTIVE!!

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Dear No One,

I cannot believe the day is finally here. Our profile is up on the website, our print profiles are being sent to birth mothers, and we are officially an active family!

Now what??

We wait. We wait for a phone call telling us of a potential adoption opportunity with a birth mother.

We have a baby suitcase packed and a to-do list for after the call. We may have weeks after the phone call until the baby is born, or we may have to drop everything and go. We are as prepared as we possibly can be at this point.

There isn’t much to do now besides live our lives as normally as possible and pray for our baby and birth mother.

Check out our profile:

http://www.americanadoptions.com/family_profile/index/fp_id/55193

Thank you everyone for your continued support! We cannot wait to update you when there is a baby!!

All my love,

Betsy