Month: April 2019

How To Support Your Friends’ Infertility Journeys (when you’ve never experienced infertility)

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by Megan Boettcher

I am generally a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of gal. I tend to look on the sunny side of things, but when things go wrong I rarely know the right thing to say or do. I am awkward and unsure. So you can only imagine my inability to react well the first time a friend shared the news that she’d had a miscarriage. I offered my condolences, but then I did my best to avoid her. I was about 30 weeks pregnant at the time and felt like a GIANT (literal and figurative) reminder of what she’d just lost.

It was my first pregnancy. And the first time I’d personally crossed paths with someone in the midst of an infertility journey. And frankly, I didn’t know what to do.

Since then, I’ve been well educated. Sometimes I joke about my keen ability to attract friends with unique motherhood stories. My friends have suffered losses. My friends have had multiples. My friends have had egg donors. My friends have adopted. My friends have children with special needs. My friends have had secondary infertility. My friends have gone through many, many rounds of IVF.

These fantastic women have put their heart and bodies through the emotional trenches to build their families, and I’m over here like fertile myrtle who thinks about having a kid and a few months later… here comes baby. I’ve often wondered, and I’m guessing you have too, how can you be supportive of your friends’ infertility journey when you’ve never experienced it yourself? Here are my best tips to be an infertility support person.

  1. There’s No Right Answer

You can’t fix this. There are no words that will make the situation all better. There’s no thoughtful gift that will take away their pain. Your job isn’t to fix it. Your job is be there and listen. Somedays they will feel like talking. Let them share all their worries and fears and anger and frustrations. Don’t fix. Listen.

Somedays they won’t want to talk at all. Bring them coffee and sit with them. Give them a distraction for a moment. Plan a girls’ night out, go to a movie, grab a pedicure together, take a spin class together. They are constantly consumed with thoughts of infertility and the desire to have a family. When they are open to it, a fun distraction can be a helpful way to shine a little light into a rough week.

  1. Respect Their “No Thanks”

Social gatherings can be especially difficult. They’re suddenly bombarded with dozens of people saying things like: “When are YOU gonna have a baby? You just need to relax. Did you hear so-and-so is pregnant?” And even if no one says anything to them, they will be overwhelmed by the sight of pregnant bellies and adorable toddlers running around. It’s too much!  If they RSVP “no,” that’s ok. Don’t guilt them into coming. They know when they need to preserve their mental health by avoiding certain situations. Respect that. And plan something that’s just the two of you for another day.

If you do have your own baby news to share, know that they are 100% elated for you! But every pregnancy announcement just reminds them how hard their journey is to build a family. Take a moment to let them know the news personally so they aren’t surprised by a Facebook announcement. And if they send a gift to your baby shower but don’t attend it’s not because they’re upset with you. They love you and don’t want to spoil your big day by running to the bathroom in tears if the day becomes too emotionally overwhelming.

  1. Take a Back Seat

Even if this person is your very best friend, you aren’t going to be their go-to person for everything in their infertility journey. You just aren’t. They will share an instantaneous connection with others who are walking the path of infertility. {The Sisterhood of Infertility} They speak the same language. They share similar feelings and emotions that you can appreciate, but will never actually experience.

Be their best friend by supporting their new friendships. Thank new friends for supporting and sharing insights with your friend that you can’t provide since you’ve never been through it all. They are better equipped with a strong support system. You are one important part of that system—not the entire thing.

  1. Educate Yourself

Learn the lingo. If your friend is going through IVF treatments, familiarize yourself with the steps so that you know what she means when she says it’s “embryo transfer day.” (FYI, that’s a pretty huge day. You should send flowers!)

But you’ll also learn things like why it’s so important to take injections at a specific time. And why they may insist on doing dinner early so they can be home in time to take the shot in privacy instead of trying to manage it in a restaurant bathroom.

The same is true for adoption. It’s a long, arduous process that is mentally and emotionally exhausting. But there are plenty of ways to be supportive. Help her clean up before a home visit or take her out to celebrate each milestone along the way. Paper work submitted? Celebrate! They are “live” to be matched with an adoption opportunity? Celebrate!

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to learn about the journey. Follow infertility and adoption bloggers through social media and you’ll get a window into their world, and a common vocabulary so you can be a part of the conversation. Through social media you may also read how your friend is feeling but can’t articulate. A lot of the infertility mom blogs discuss their journey in retrospect and are able to name their emotions in a way that your friend, who is going through it all, may not be able to fully process yet. But when you hear from real-people’s experiences you begin to understand the devastation they feel. And that will make you a better support person.

  1. Just Love Them

Infertility is an all-consuming experience that is mentally and physically difficult. Even if they have children, every step of the process is tough. Nothing is ever easy. The best thing you can do is just to be there for them. Check in with them regularly. Be prepared for long tearful conversations as well as one-word text responses. Be whatever they need that day.

And remember, you are friends for a reason. You like hanging out together. You probably share the same silly sense of humor and can quote the same movie lines. It’s ok to have some fun. Be the unexpected delight in their day. Send them funny memes. Surprise them with this hilariously sarcastic coloring book about IVF and a Starbucks gift card. If you’re as awkward as I am, let Emily McDowell’s series of awkward sympathy cards help you find the words you need. You know your friend. Maybe all they need from you is to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy with a bag of Lay’s wavy potato chips and some party dip.

Another Infertility Warrior’s Story

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by Rosie Fitzgerald

3 rounds of IUIs, 5 full rounds of IVF, one frozen transfer, countless shots, seemingly endless tears of heartbreak, but it led to two amazing miracles that have changed my life forever. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

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Infertility. Just the word breaks my heart because I know the struggle, pain and absolute despair infertility causes. My husband and I were anxious to start our family, both of us knew children were in our future, we always talked about having 2 or 3. But as time went by, month after month nothing was happening. We scheduled our first appointment with our infertility doctor, went through all the tests only to determine nothing was wrong, there was no cause for our infertility. Some may think this would be a relief, but if there was a problem we could fix it and hopefully get pregnant. We started fertility treatments. At that time I knew no one (or so I thought) that was struggling to get pregnant or had to go through fertility treatments. No one talked about it, that is part of the reason infertility is so isolating. My husband and I believe in sharing our story, so that others hopefully will not feel so alone.

After 3 failed IUIs and 2 full rounds of IVF, we became pregnant with twins. We were beyond excited and could not wait. Hearing both of those heartbeats will forever be a moment seared into my memory, it was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Unfortunately at 11 weeks, we lost one of our babies. They call it vanishing twin, I was broken. We had heard both of our babies heartbeats on two separate occasions by that time. I felt like I failed my baby. People told me to be happy for the one I had, but that just upset me more. I needed to mourn the loss, but that also made me feel guilty for not just being happy for the baby I did have. But eight months later we gave birth to a healthy boy that amazes me every day. He is loving, spirited, funny and smart all round and an energetic little boy.

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We knew we wanted a sibling for our son, so again started back at fertility treatments. A frozen transfer, and two more full rounds of IVF later, we had one 5 day embryo that had not even developed to the standard stage to be graded. We transferred that underdeveloped embryo but had no hope of it actually developing. That will be the last time I ever underestimate my daughter! We were blown away to get the call telling us we were pregnant. We now have a healthy 4 month old daughter who is full of smiles, coos and absolutely adores her brother.

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Infertility changes you. It takes you on a ride you do not want to be on. You try to have hope, when it feels hopeless. But I would go through it all again for my two IVF miracles. They made every tear, heartbreak, shot, procedure worth every bit of it.

For those battling infertility now, try to keep the hope, lean on your spouse, give yourself some grace as you go through this, let yourself process every feeling. This is such a hard journey to be on, but you are strong and amazing. I hope your miracles come to you soon.

 

A Man’s Perspective on Infertility: Carrying the Burden Together

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by Marcus

People rarely hear about infertility from the perspective of a man. Within the infertility community, all of the support groups, social media, and other forums are dominated by women. There is a reason for this. Men and women are different. Men and women process, grieve, emote, and communicate differently. But this does not imply that the men involved are not struggling in their own way.

I can really only speak for myself here, and my perspective is somewhat unique. I am an OBGYN. In my everyday job I am part of the joys and sorrows of pregnancy and childbearing, including working with couples who are trying to get pregnant. Therefore, fertility is something I think about every single day. But I am not an OBGYN at home. I am just a husband. And I am now a father.

When Betsy and I got married, I had just finished medical school and was about to start a residency in OBGYN. I really knew nothing about infertility other than the science. I was very excited to be married, and I was ready to have kids whenever Betsy decided (this is how things work in my house). I always wanted to be a father. I liked thinking about my future as a tee ball coach, or taking my kids on family vacations. Betsy was a perfect match for me, as I knew from the moment I met her that she would be a fantastic mother. We wanted the same things in life.

When we did start trying to have kids, I have to say, I was not all that surprised when we ran into problems. I had always had this weird thought in the back of my brain that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. Why? I have no idea. Young men shouldn’t have that thought. It didn’t happen right away.  I knew that it can take awhile to get pregnant. “Relax. No big deal. It’s just taking awhile”. That’s what I would tell myself. Then it started to wear on us. Each month was traumatic. Betsy wore her emotions differently than me. I tried to stay strong and optimistic. I tried to support her. I tried. I really tried. I don’t think I did a very good job.

As more time passed I had no clue what to do. I was stressed. How do I support her? How do I be there for her when I have to work all the time (I was in residency…)? How do we maintain our identity as a couple? How do I feel about all this? I had really pushed my own feelings aside, trying to be the light of positivity and strength and completely failed to let myself feel anything at all.

Then we did more testing and got some answers. Suddenly everything exploded for me personally. Now I felt the emotions. My initial thought was that since I could not give Betsy the one thing she has always wanted, she would leave me.  Obviously, this was irrational, and this thought did not last long, but it was a part of my individual struggle. I was done trying to the big, strong man trying to comfort her. I was feeling the emotions right there with her.  It was right around this time that we really started talking to each other again. I think we started to understand each others pain as individuals, which helped us grieve together.  This helped us to heal together. We started growing stronger. Together.

What I learned is that infertility is not one persons problem. Women struggle. Men struggle. That struggle looks different from the outside. But the burden is still carried together. The grief is experienced together. It has to be in order to allow room for healing. Healing individually. Healing as a couple. And you never really heal completely. But it can get easier.