Dear No One,

I would be lying if I said that waiting is easy. I have broken down at least a handful of times since we went active. When I say broken down, I mean out loud, sobbing, shaking, the whole works. I have no control over these moments. They just hit me, and I have to let it out before I can move on. It doesn’t matter where I am. In the car. In bed. At work. It hits me like a wave.

I knew about a week into our wait that I needed to find a way to make this experience a happy, positive one. From every mom I have ever talked to, I know they give up a lot once they become mothers, and they have no time to be selfish. I decided, “I don’t have a baby. I can be selfish. I can do whatever I want.” (within reason of course)

I decided that any decision that I was questioning whether I should do it or not, I would just say “yes.” When you have anxiety, saying “yes” to everything is not easy. I love routine. I love planning ahead. I struggle trying new things. I would often rather stay at home on the couch and watch TV because it’s comfortable. But I did it! I said “yes” to life, and I have had so much fun.

What have I done you ask?

• Bought tickets to Florida Georgia Line last minute. It was pouring rain. It was muddy. It was SO. MUCH. FUN!

• Tried out Taste of St. Louis and went to the free Jerrod Niemann concert.
• Went on dates in the middle of the week.
• Got asked to play slow pitch softball. I said yes! I have NEVER played softball in my entire life. I never would have said yes in the past. I did, and I loved it. I made a fool of myself, and I didn’t care. The first time I got a hit and got on first base, I looked back at Marcus and squealed like a little girl.

• Drink, blare music, dance on the coffee table…on a Wednesday evening.
• Started a sand volleyball league. I have always loved playing it, and I’m so excited to finally set up my own team.
• Decided on a Tuesday to throw a party on Friday (that’s not enough time for a planner). Tons of food, apple pie jello shots, fire pit, friends. What more could you ask for?
• Laid on the couch ALL day. I really mean all day. We got up to go to the bathroom and get food. Then we went to bed.

• Drove an hour and a half to visit Elephant Rocks. It has been on my list for 3 years. We finally did it.

• Got asked to go to a baseball game on a Monday night. Although it was an awful game, it was so much fun to get out of the house on a beautiful, fall evening.

Maybe this doesn’t seem very extreme for an outgoing, adventurous person, but it has been a really important month for me. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve tried new things. I’ve made new friends. I have had so much fun. I will never forget some of these moments, and I never would have had them if we already had Baby Hemi.

Don’t get me wrong, I would give it all up to have our baby. But we don’t. We don’t have a baby. At least once a day, I have a moment of sadness. I shed tears all the time. If I let that consume me, though, I wouldn’t make it through the day. Instead, I am choosing to live. I am saying “YES!”

Dear No One,

We have been active for one week. One week. One normal week.

Not so difficult right?

For the most part, no. We have just been living our lives one day at a time.

On the other hand, it is way more difficult than I ever imagined. I have told Marcus that, in my mind, every day that passes equals a full month longer that we will have to wait. Although I know that is not how it works, I am convinced at this point that it is going to take at least 7 months before we get a match.

It doesn’t help that I got a phone call the other day from an unknown number in Florida, and I actually felt my heart stop. Unfortunately it was just a heating and air conditioning company calling. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about our babe. We decided instead of sulking, we would celebrate making it certain lengths of time and enjoy our time as a family of two.

Tonight we decided to celebrate making it through our first week. I know.  I know. That doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment, but it is to us. We went to our favorite restaurant, went miniature golfing, and spent time playing music and singing together. For those of you who care, Marcus won this round. BUT we are tied 1-1 after tonight. Tie breaker results to come…

So there isn’t really much to report, but we made it one week. That is something. And next week? We’ll probably do the same thing. Like I said, not a huge accomplishment, but we are celebrating that we are one week closer to bringing home our babe. And to us, that is everything.

All my love,

Betsy